On the Chris Brown and Rihanna incident, I want to make a point about obsession.
Obsession != love. If you are obsessed with someone, or someone is obsessed with you and they seek reciprocity in their obsession, you are in a dangerous situation.
An obsessed person will always think of their love as selfless. They believe they would do anything to keep the object of their obsession in their life.
But here's the thing: real love is selfless, obsessive love is not and can not be selfless. It actually undermines real love.
To be obsessed is to project your innermost needs and desires onto another person or object. It is the epitome of self-centeredness and narcissism. But if you do not know what love is, it may feel like love.
This is where being young comes into play. When you're young, the kind of attention and passion that comes from being involved in an obsessive relationship can actually seem flattering. When someone wants you so deeply that the thought of you sharing any part of yourself with another causes them physical pain, it's an ego boost. This is especially true if you are short on self-esteem to start. You may feel cared for in a way you've never known before. You may feel like a god in your lover's universe. This is very dangerous.
With maturity and personal growth, you learn to see indicators of obsessive love as red flags. You realize it is not really love when a person wants to possess and control you. You learn that even though someone is willing to do things for you or to you that seem to express deep commitment, it may have little to do with you as a person and more to do with their own desperation. You learn to put your ego aside and seek love that is kind and consistent and doesn't make you feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster.
If you're in a relationship with someone who makes you feel that nothing you do is good enough, your love is not strong enough, your desire not deep enough, if they want you all to themselves, try to keep you from having friends or other people in your life, it's probably a good idea to get away before something bad happens.
Wondering whether your relationship is rooted in love or obsession? Here are some things to consider:
1. Do I feel like I am nothing without this person? Did I feel this way before this person came into my life?
If you answer yes to these questions, you should end your relationship and deal with your self-esteem issues first.
2. How did I end up in this relationship? Did I always want to be with this person, or did they say or do something to persuade me it should be so?
Oftentimes a person can be persuaded into a relationship when they have a deep need for love and approval. If you are in a relationship and you aren't sure how you ended up there, take time away to think on how it came about, and what's really keeping you there. Do this especially if you are unhappy.
3. Do I feel uncomfortable with the emotions of my partner? Do I feel like he/she overreacts to everything? Do I feel like I am constantly on an emotional rollercoaster when I used to be a very stable and happy person?
If you feel this way, you need to end the relationship. You are incompatible.
4. Does it seem like we argue all the time? And are we always arguing about love?
If you are in a relationship and you are arguing about love all the time, chances are love is not what you have together.
5. Did I realize I loved this person only at the moment when I thought they were going to leave me?
If you only "realized" you loved someone when they were about to leave you, it's probably not love but fear of abandonment.
Remember, God is love.
Zaaquir:
“I am a domestic violence SURVIVOR. I have been counseling survivors for 13 years now. I say “survivor” because we refuse to let a woman or man that has been apart of domestic violence view themselves as victims. When being a spokeperson for domestic violence survivors we tend to not put focus on the violence part, but how a person overcame the situation.
I can honestly say that Rihanna is not the voice for a domestic violence survivor. You can’t be that voice and be respected by other survivors if you are too busy being a victim. First, Chris B. abused her and now she is letting herself be abuse by the media by playing to what she feels is expected from her according to the media. That’s called the victim syndrome. We teach that once you have left the relationship that it’s time for personal responsibility. You have to take back your life and own up to what it is about yourself that attracts these kinds of relationships, why you didn’t leave the very first time you were abused, and what you need to change about yourself that will prevent you from becoming a victim again. If a person doesn’t do these things then he/she will stay a victim throughout every relationship he/she has with anyone in their lifetime. With that said, both of these individuals should be looked upon as needing help and they both should stay away from the media. It’s not helping anyone in the same situation that they were in. How can you help another victim leave a bad situation and become a survivor when you are to busy being a victim yourselves.
It’s also wise to remember that just as a victim of domestic violence can redeem his/herself by taking control of their power, gaining self responsibility, and acknowledging what they should or shouldn’t have did in the relationship which will lead them to becoming a survivor……well an abuser can also redeem his/herself by doing to same thing. We as people just need to stop being so judgemental of them both and give support as needed. In this case, they both need our support.”
It is evident that a non healthy relationship could be camouflage as deep strong feelings of love, however pure love as you wrote it is selfless. But let's not forget that there are nine types of love. Perhaps, even when the "victim" knows the situation has become unattainable and disturbing the self-esteem is so damaged that it hard to break what they are familiar with. It takes courage and self respect to stand up to someone who is abusive.